Truth, Dare, Walk

So many things have changed/happened in such a short time. I am a bit boggled at the moment and trying to sort it all into the right useful piles.
Recovery
Co-dependence
Self-care
The committee in my head
See, I really had no idea that I would react this way. I was relieved when Chris said he didn't need a sponsor. I was in way too deep and I couldn't find my way out. So, he opened the door. I didn't like that he's drinking again but, from my own perspective, it was a relief. But, then everything shifted and it was so not about him at all. What the hell was I doing all this time? So much shit came down at once. You name a category and I had something undealt with to put in. Well, my pet phrase about diving under the wave only works if you see it coming. I, apparently, had no idea I was even in the water. Knocked on my ass doesn't really cover it. Looking at behavior I would have sworn I wasn't doing, looking at behavior and actions that I find appalling. Thought I had worked that all out years ago. Hmm, what do I always say? It always comes back, its just different. So, can it be so different that you don't recognize it at all? Yes! My shit, anyway. And then there was the fucking scary, violent physical reaction I had to the shit I was dealing with. Guess there was some impovement or my body would not have reacted so vioently. It/she would have figured: Business as usual.
And then there was the crap that I figured I would never actually deal with. Looked at it, acknowledged its presence, and decided I wasn't going to deal with it, probably ever. Wrong! What fun!
Hope I don't need to have this much fun for a really long time!

Well, Monday was better than Sunday and today was better than yesterday. Although, yesterday when I heard friends say things like, *Why didn't you call me?* and *I always want to hear your crap.* I felt loved. I keep breathing and one breath at a time I move away from grief into anger. At least there is more energy in anger than in grief. But, it does not consume my day or my thoughts. I feel it, I give it words if I can and I breathe. I will move on. I will find a way to be able to be open and helpful and yet I am afraid there will always be a detachment, a protection, I hope not. But, it would seem only natural. Yes? Having had this experience should make me wiser, not meaner. Yes?

grieving

My sponsee is drinking. My coven's place of power is a white mist. Yeah, this ain't the best day I've ever had. Not that its a complete surprise but the reality kinda sucks. I was too close to be his sponsor. Live and learn. What now? We shall see, won't we. I am a flip, sarcastic person. But, right now I don't feel flip or sarcastic. Just grieved. A saddness so deep it makes my heart hurt. I've shed my tears for him and for myself. Yep. Cried for what I did to me. Am I angry? I'm not sure yet, but I suspect so. I was too positive or too blind. Or both. No one ever said *don't* so the *I told you so* is only in my head. I feel abandoned. I've done everything I know how to do. Program wise, magic wise, nothing left but to breathe through it and know that nothing lasts forever. In A.A. speak...*This too shall pass.* But I shall know it well before it goes. That way, if we should meet again, I will recognise it.

sad - changes

I am sad. My coven is in a holding pattern. No rituals for the time being. I have my own and I have the public rituals...so far. I'm sure Andi will help with those, and Pandora. But, my one and only current covenmate is not someone I want to do ritaul with at the moment. It may be selfishness on my part...ritual mya be just what he needs. But, I am his sponsor and am getting a lot of shit on that side and I do not want to be the only one to hold it together anymore. So, it saddens me but it was my own doing. I may be goddess but I am not his higher power. He needs to connect with another entity for that. I am giving all I can. I know it sounds like whining, and it may be. But it is what it is. If anyone reads this and has a thought, let me know. I fell like I'm just being a bitch but, then, setting boundaries always makes me feel like that.

Hot!

I'm not the competitive type. I really don't want to break any records set nearly 100 years ago. Especially when they involve extremes of weather. Plus, I work in this school which is an historical landmark and this fact seems to somehow, play a part in why we don't have air conditioning. So, I have consumed some 200 ounces of water (over a gallon, I think). And I was the water police at school. Yes, you do need water. NO puking because of the heat. No, no, no!! Drink. And we went to the pool from 12-3 and ran in the sprinklers form 4-6. Teachers too. and there was no puking and all was well and wet. One more day. Thursday is supposed to be better.

And, now I can see in living colour! My monitor was having issues. Ya'll were hot pink! I don't even like hot pink. Now, I have a normal colour scheme. Such pretty colours and such variety.